The Celebrity Oscars

and amusing, antics of the 2008 winners and sinners.

The Old Rogue of the Year (sponsored by Viagra)

This award is given to the gentleman of 60 or more who most successfully ignored the passing years in his pursuit of the fairer sex. In a hotly contested category, the nominees are...

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY, 66, who emerged from the wreckage of his marriage to Heather in fine form, squiring a succession of middle-aged beauties, including actress (and former girlfriend of Peter Gabriel) Rosanna Arquette, before settling into the elegant embrace of New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell.

HUGH HEFNER, 82, who declared in February that his No 1 girlfriend Holly Madison, 29, was, “the relationship that will last the rest of my life”.

By October, however, he’d dumped Holly and the other two girls of the Playboy Mansion, Kendra Wilkinson, 23, and Bridget Marquardt, 35. In their place came 19-year-old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon. So both of Hef’s current girlfriends, added together, are still less than half his age.

RONNIE WOOD, a stripling of 61, who in a few wild weeks this summer managed to wreck his 23-year-old marriage to wife Jo and fall off the sobriety wagon after a wild bender ended with him falling for Ekaterina Ivanova, a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress at a sleazy Soho escort bar. Months later, the couple still appear to be together, but the marriage is beyond repair.

AND THE WINNER IS . . . Ronnie Wood! He entertained us all by being living proof that there’s no fool like an old fool, without actually being quite as stomach-churningly sordid as The Hef.

The Dazzling Dame of the Year (sponsored by HRT)

The winner of this award will be the woman of mature years who has, in the judges’ opinion, aged most elegantly and in the most sprightly fashion.

The nominees are...

DAME HELEN MIRREN who, quite simply, looked hotter in a red bikini than any woman of 63 ever has, with a figure that put girls half her age to shame.

VALERIE SINGLETON, 71, who put perennial rumours of her same-sex proclivities to rest with the simple declaration: “I am the opposite of gay.”

She proved it with revelations of a fling with “Blue Peter” co-star Peter Purves, a steamy cuddle with actor Albert Finney and a relationship with a builder 24 years her junior.

JULIE CHRISTIE, 67, who revealed that she had secretly wed her long-time partner, journalist Duncan Campbell, in India (the land of her birth) before jetting off to LA, where she had been nominated for a Best Actress Oscar this year, to look stunning on the red carpet.

ESTHER RANTZEN, 68, who flirted outrageously with 26-year-old King Of The Jungle Joe Swash during “I’m A Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!”. She also unpacked some surprisingly raunchy undies before revealing that she had lost her virginity in a one-night stand with a doctor on a Greek holiday. Esther, really!

AND THE WINNER IS. . . Dame Helen Mirren! Her movie director husband, Taylor Hackford, is a very lucky man.

The Prettiest Couple on Earth

They’re young, they’re beautiful, they’re talented and they’re loved up.

The nominees are...

SUPERMODEL Miranda Kerr

ORLANDO BLOOM and MIRANDA KERR. He’s the 31-year-old epitome of the pretty-boy movie star; she is a 25-year-old Victoria’s Secret model (three words which make any man’s heart beat faster) from Australia.

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE because. . . oh, come on! Does anyone on earth need this explained?