Hun Sen to Abhisit, the Valentine's version

February 10, 2010
By Tulsathit Taptim
The Nation Opinion

NOW, this is what happens when you come from an environment where even lame critics are sent into oblivion. Cambodian leader Hun Sen obviously has nobody in Phnom Penh to remind him that he can express his fetish fantasy involving his Thai counterpart Abhisit Vejjajiva in nicer ways. That task, I suppose, has to fall on me.

The devil is in the details, remember. Hun Sen can use love language and at the same time keep his key messages - that he wants Abhisit to be shot, electrocuted, run over by a truck, and have his neck broken by spirits - intact. Here's how it can be done:

My dearest Abhisit,

You hurt me. That we are drifting further and further apart doesn't mean that you have to lie about us. I have been truthful about the Preah Vihear Temple, about my feelings toward poor Thaksin Shinawatra, but all you have done is try to destroy me with your lies.

I may not be a great speaker like you, but I've been sincere, you know. I always speak from my heart, but you always use your Oxford tongue to cleverly discredit Cambodia. You know that if you push me smartly enough, I will break down and you will score political points. You know that if you pretend to act passively, people will buy it and the joke will be on me.

Shame on you, Mr Manipulator. You steer people away from the truth and let them focus on me crying over my wounds. With a deadpan face, you lied that Thai troops never encroached into Cambodia on July 15. You know whose side the public will take - a cute, young leader talking "principles", or an over-the-hill veteran whose credit you have undermined.

Since I have no other way to expose your lies, I'm praying to all sacred things in the world to help me, to be on my side. May the liar be in a plane that crashes. May he be electrocuted. May he be run over by a car. May he be shot. How does that sound, Mr Handsome?

Before I sign off, let me just say how you totally deserve the Valentine's Day gift thrown into your house the other day.

I will haunt you forever,

Hun Sen.

There. It fits the festival of love nicely, doesn't it? At least it won't make the Cambodian leader sound like a sadistic maniac hurling abuse and curses at somone he doesn't even know personally.

Anyway, how should Abhisit reply to this kind of message? I'm not his adviser, but why not shock everyone with some un-Abhisit-like jibe like this?:

Hi, Whiner,

Instead of resorting to superstitution, why don't you just run to your mommy and cry your heart out? After all, your behaviour indicates you have regressed to a time when "You swear? On your mother's name?" was the only way to catch a liar. And talking about liars, yeah, let them all burn in hell and be reborn as total losers who are never taken seriously.

That should be it. What? Why don't I say anything more? Well, this is a big waste of time already.

Abhisit Vejjajiva

P.S. This is odd, but I feel compelled to thank you for, well, being you. Every time you open your mouth, my domestic rating jumps.

Writer's note: To keep with the Valentine's Day spirit, I'd like to convey my love and sympathy to the staff at the Cambodian Embassy in Bangkok, who always send protest letters to the newspapers at the slightest criticism of Hun Sen and his government. Their job is a bit more complicated now for obvious reasons.

The big boss has turned diplomacy upside down, which means the embassy's "polite" approach may need to be reviewed. For example, it used to be easy to invoke diplomatically acceptable words like "imbecile", "absurd" and "vulgar" to criticize newspapers; the embassy may have to find something harsher so as to not to lose touch with Hun Sen.

So, deploring Thai newspapers for "a complete lack of decent politeness, professional journalism, and truth" is surely too courteous. This is a new ball game and new tactics are required. It's no longer about Preah Vihear Temple exclusively. The row has gone from a "Khmer" temple that Thailand "claims" to a Thai fugitive that the Cambodians want to adopt, to one side challenging the other to an old-fashioned spitting contest.

How far will this go? I can only hope this is diplomacy's version of American wrestling. You know, some real blood but a big charade. But that's optimistically talking, by the way.